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| I am a MAKER OF ANGER! |
About a month ago I ended a relationship with a guy who I really, really loved, but after a second attempt at being together, I realized it wasn’t going to work this time around either.
Since the breakup, I've cried a lot, enjoyed copious amounts of “therapy cake” (which is just regular cake, only more healing and delicious), played my ukulele, cried some more, eaten more cake, taken walks, signed up for a class, and been really just trying my best to remain a composed, grown-ass woman during what’s proven to be a rollercoaster of a time.
And I really fucking hate rollercoasters.
A couple weeks after things ended, I decided I needed a night out with my girlfrands. Which is also when I came across the shirt pictured above, as I tried to pick out what to wear.
My ex-boyfriend HATED that shirt. Hated it.
To the point that not only would he prefer I not wear it when we went out, when I would change out of it he'd verbally and physically express intense relief. Relief akin to finding a bathroom at precisely 10 seconds before pissing all over oneself.
To the point that not only would he prefer I not wear it when we went out, when I would change out of it he'd verbally and physically express intense relief. Relief akin to finding a bathroom at precisely 10 seconds before pissing all over oneself.
Funny enough, out of all of the people who have ever seen me
wear that shirt (and I wear it a lot now, by the way), he was the only one who
disliked it.
So I began to wonder: what about this particular piece of clothing could possibly
cause such an adverse reaction in my ex?
Naturally I did what any woman in this situation would do and created a speculative list with some ideas about why this shirt caused that man so much damn angst:
1. It drew attention to my boobs while at the same time covering my boobs. Too much of a conundrum.
2. If I was wearing my sequined half-top out, then how could he wear his?
3. A half shirt is not worthy of the same respect as a WHOLE SHIRT. Obvi.*
4. Too many colors. It's hard.
5. First comes sequins, then comes marriage, then comes SO MANY BABIES! Am I right, ladies?!
6. He secretly wished he could wear it to the gym.
7. The sight of it triggered something in his brainparts that turned all of his thoughts into spiders. Actual spiders. Ugh, THOUGHTSPIDERS. The. Worst.
8. Hipsters.
9. It reminded him of a Vegas show girl he probably used to date.**
11. He probably worried that more people would like this shirt on Facebook than they would one of his posts.
12. It looked like the deep space field, but it wasn't the deep space field. The shirt is a lie.
13. It was too dressy for the storage closet he let me keep my things in when I stayed over.***
14. Traumatic childhood arts and crafts accident?
15. It taunted him when I wasn't looking, like:
That's pretty much all I could come up with so far. But I think I'm pretty much on track.
*I should note, this half-top was never worn to show my midriff. It was always worn over a longer tank top.
**Unlikely. I would have heard about her at least 50 times over the course of our relationship.
***To be fair, he eventually let me hang things up in his bedroom closet about a week before the breakup. Maybe he just couldn't handle that shirt getting that close to his button downs and cycling kits...
Naturally I did what any woman in this situation would do and created a speculative list with some ideas about why this shirt caused that man so much damn angst:
1. It drew attention to my boobs while at the same time covering my boobs. Too much of a conundrum.
2. If I was wearing my sequined half-top out, then how could he wear his?
3. A half shirt is not worthy of the same respect as a WHOLE SHIRT. Obvi.*
4. Too many colors. It's hard.
5. First comes sequins, then comes marriage, then comes SO MANY BABIES! Am I right, ladies?!
6. He secretly wished he could wear it to the gym.
7. The sight of it triggered something in his brainparts that turned all of his thoughts into spiders. Actual spiders. Ugh, THOUGHTSPIDERS. The. Worst.
11. He probably worried that more people would like this shirt on Facebook than they would one of his posts.
12. It looked like the deep space field, but it wasn't the deep space field. The shirt is a lie.
13. It was too dressy for the storage closet he let me keep my things in when I stayed over.***
14. Traumatic childhood arts and crafts accident?
15. It taunted him when I wasn't looking, like:
That's pretty much all I could come up with so far. But I think I'm pretty much on track.
*I should note, this half-top was never worn to show my midriff. It was always worn over a longer tank top.
**Unlikely. I would have heard about her at least 50 times over the course of our relationship.
***To be fair, he eventually let me hang things up in his bedroom closet about a week before the breakup. Maybe he just couldn't handle that shirt getting that close to his button downs and cycling kits...
