so many updates!

Well guys, for the first time in the history of my many, many, many blogging endeavors -- I can finally say the reason that I haven't updated is TRULY because I've been BUSY. AS. SHIT.

Not a joke.

In June I auditioned for an 8-week talent show judged by hyper-intelligent apes from the future. The show is called Impress These Apes.

I was lucky enough to be one of 16 semi-finalists invited back for the Live Callback Show on July 7th.

My challenge was hip hop dancing, in case you were curious. And I worked for two full weeks trying to hone my routine to as close as perfection as someone who has no rhythm or control of her arms could.

The hard word paid off as I became one of the 8 contestants for Season 8 of Impress These Apes!

We're just entering week 5 now and I'll tell you what: It is equal parts exhilariating...and exhausting. I have never been so creatively challenged and pushed in my life. I'm losing sleep. Losing my mind. And I cry weekly. But seriously...I LOVE IT.

Because I'm also becoming fearless in my creativity. And I'm making new things every single weeks. Things I've never even thought of attempting before! For example, this upcoming Monday the challenge is to perform 5 minutes of original standup material --- while being heckled ruthlessly.

1.) I have never performed standup but I've always wanted to try. Now? I HAVE NO CHOICE.
2.) I'm intrigued at the thought of fending off a heckler. What will I do? How will I respond? Even I don't know and that's scary and awesome.

Scary awesome. 

Anyways, if you're interested in what you might have missed up until now, you can see everyone's work and scores by visiting www.impresstheseapes.com.

If you are interested in my work specifically (although I really mean it when I say this cast is talented as balls and you should check out EVERYONE!), you can find it nicely organized here: http://impresstheseapes.com/category/the-contestants/tiff/

You can also follow along through the rest of the competition. The show is every Monday at 8pm, ComedySportz Theater, 929 W. Belmont. Tickets are $12.

You can also stream it live from impresstheseapes.com on Monday nights!

So for the past 5 weeks, that's where I've been. Well there's a little more actually...

I met a boy, bitches!

Yeah, that's right. In June, after a year-plus-long (self-imposed, for the most part) sabbatical from dating,  I met a boy.

For the purposes of anonymity, we'll henceforth just refer to him as The Actor (Because he's an actor. See what I did there?)

Our first date was getting cupcakes at 11pm on a Saturday -- which was sign #2 that I've likely hit the jackpot when it comes to meeting a quality human being to spend time with. (So far this has been right.)

Sign #1 was that he liked both the US and UK versions of The Office "for different reasons."

Good man.

He makes me laugh, he's fun and interesting, he's handsome and also he has encouraged me through all these weeks of Apes so far (and I mean it when I say I've cried at least once every. single. week.), and has been more supportive than I could have even asked for. Not just with Apes, but with everything.

Let's not get too sappy here, though. This is FLAD for crissakes.

But he gives me bubbles in my guts...and they are certainly not gas. So I'm happy. I'm really happy.

I'll update again soon. Certainly after Apes --- because I feel like I'll be doing a lot more with comedy and performing when the competition ends.

So duh, there will be interesting, ridiculous things to write about!

Aren't YOU excited?

I'm back. 1000 Flamingos. And so much more!

Hey world! Where the fuck have I been, am I right?

(...and gentlemen)

Yeah, I'm a dick. I got busy and just stopped updating.

Well, that and my laptop has started to smell like burning if I use it too long.

Anyways...here's the point: I'm back! And we've got business to discuss.

First of all tomorrow night this:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1489734947922731/

I'm performing in this! Two solo songs and a group number with some of the coolest folks I know. (I'm looking at you Chip and The Scriptress!)  So you all should come out!

Also, look for the tag #1000flamingos on Twitter (@ThatReadHeadGal) and Instagram (@funnylikeadonkey)

@TheScriptress and I have an ongoing project...a journey, if you will, and to keep up with us just search that hashtag! 

Two weeks ago we hid love notes around Chicago. What will we do next?!

Hope to see you tomorrow at Silvie's!

Talks with My Twenties: April 11, 2005 - Age 24

Short Stories about Sex

Yes, that was what I wrote my second short story about for Creative Writing. Originally I had an orgasm in dialogue, but it sounded waaaaay to "bow-chicka-bow-bow" soft core, so instead I just used metaphor.

Nice huh? It's actually about physical flings and how, no matter what, someone always gets hurt. This time it was the dude....I was trying not to be cliche.

But it's written in third person objective, which means I couldn't get into my character's heads, I just had to report what I would see, or hear, or smell, if I were there, videotaping, or watching, like some sort of after hours voyeur. Voyeurism is kinda hot though.....anyways..... I just hope my instructor doesn't get offended...it's in good taste, I swear!!! Who cares. I like it.

I think I'll be adding some more pics tonight. I'll bulletin if I do. Not that anyone cares. Is it Friday yet?

Uhhhh…

So the only thing I could think to post was my actual face while reading 24-year-old me's post.

So, here it is:

"Dear 24-year-old me: What the ACTUAL fuck?"

I think that says everything I need to say about this one...

LIVE Oscars Commentary with FLAD and The Scriptress!

Hey FLAD fans! (FLANS?)

Anyhow, some fun news:  tomorrow is a most momentous day: the 86th Academy Awards!

I invite you to join my pal Katie (The Scriptress) and I for a LIVE webcast as we team up to  provide commentary for this most ceremonious event!

Make sure to sign into Ustream so you can join the chat and answer polls throughout the show! (It's easy, I promise!)

And according to Katie: "There’s a 100% chance of it being the punnest day of your life."

DETAILS:

Sunday, March 2, 2014

6 p.m. CST

Join in on the fun by clicking right here! 

Talks with My Twenties: April 9, 2005 - Age 24

Preface: An apology

Hey lovely FLAD followers! I know I haven't updated on my usual days (Sunday or Tuesday), since the whole Pinterest amazingness happened on Thursday (my other regular update day). I had some family stuff that came up and wasn't able to get back to FLAD to update. Needed to just kind of take the week off to take care of all that.

So without further ado, let's get back to the business of Talks with my Twenties, shall we?

Girls’ Night Out, Sixty Sausages, Substance Abuse, and the after effects of Binge Drinking

So my friend Chester Copperpot came into town yesterday. Caught up with her a little. Got a bit intoxicated and reverted to some 7^th grade tendencies that, although were a bit immature, really made me laugh.
 Sixty Sausages. That’s all I gotta say.

Went to Woodhollow for about 2 hours after leaving McTavern’s We wanted to try a new place, but we weren’t feeling the vibe there. Of course Woodhollow wasn’t much better, but the music was a bit more conducive to shaking our asses. Which is difficult to do when people get up on your shit and won’t get the hint that you just want to dance with your friends. And I hate being mean, so we would just shimmy to a different part of the dance floor.

And how do you tell someone you’re friends with that their drinking is too much for you, so you don’t want to hang out anymore? I have a friend, and he was so much fun to hang out with, but he drinks quite a but and it’s something I’ve realized I don’t like to deal with.

Three times it has affected his treatment of me in a negative way. I’m mature enough to know that I can’t change him…that’s something he has to want to do for himself, but I don’t want to make him feel like crap.

I think he knows something’s up since I haven’t been going out to see him, but when I called to explain, he wasn’t home…most likely at his friends’ apartment having a drink.
  

I dunno. It’s a bummer. He and I were on the same wavelength…or so I thought. 

I am drinking orange Gatorade. Dehydration’s a bitch. 

Love,
Tiff

I struggled to come up with a response to this one.

For one, I can’t stop listening to Thrift Shop and dancing in my seat (because I’ve started doing Zumba and learned a fun routine to it…)

I'm sure this is how I look while doing said routine...

For two, I already covered the “friend” in question in a previous post.

But here goes…

24-year-old Tiff: it is okay to be “mean” to people who are invading you physically or emotionally, or verbally. That’s not being “mean” – it’s honoring and respecting yourself.

I wish I could go back and tell you that, because it has taken until now to realize this – and you had to go through a pretty toxic relationship in the past year in order to finally “get it.”

So the takeaway here is that, at 32, you get it. You finally get it.

And at 33 you start living it. Legit.

It took almost losing yourself – all those things that make you “you.” The good, the bad, the interesting, the boring, the beautiful, the ugly, the sad, the hilarious…etc.

And why? Because you didn’t want to be “mean” to someone who was consistently disrespecting and dishonoring you.

And I’m sure you, 24-year-old me, would be like, “That guy sounds like a jerk!” but the truth is, the very hard truth of it all is: you and I allowed it.

I was just as responsible for all the hurt and the pain and anxiety and darkness that happened as a result. That’s not to say I deserved it – no one does – but I allowed it to continue almost to a point of no return.

The absolutely beautiful thing is that we needed that experience to become strong enough and smart enough to stand up to it, leave it, heal from it, and go on to start living a life that’s nothing short of fabulous and amazing.

Yes, 24-year old me, we totally did.
We stood our ground, ended something that did not serve us, 
 and we moved forward. 

Of course, things aren’t perfect (what fun would that be, anyways?), but these days we don’t require the approval of others to dictate what we do or don’t do.

Nowadays, I don’t try to please everyone to the point of risking losing myself.

I also work harder to forgive.

Was that guy I dated a jerk?
I mean, kind of. But I’m sure he was also fighting his own battles. I know he was…is? (We’ve since lost touch.)

Am I still angry about it?

No. Not angry. I think about it still, but in different ways.

• I think about the happy times and I’m grateful for them.
• I think about the things we laughed about and I’m grateful for them too.
• I think about the people I met: grateful.
• I think about the fights: still grateful.
• I think about the confusion: yep, grateful for that, too.
• I think about the pain: You guessed it – grateful.
• I think about what I’ve learned: grateful.
• I think about all the things that came about during and after that time in my life, and I realize that without it all, there's no way I could be where I am today. So: SUPER grateful. 

And I think about him sometimes and just hope that he’s happy. That the new woman he's dating makes him laugh and they “get each other.” That they’re creating more happy memories and moments than not happy ones.

That he’s going after the things he’s always wanted to go after. That he’s taking the risks he always talked about taking. That he’s thinking less about what the people around him think about him, and more about making sure he’s staying true to himself.

And that if he feels like dancing like an idiot, he dances like an idiot. (Especially this one. [See? I told you there are still good memories.]) 

But most of all: that whatever battles he was fighting, or is fighting, he’s won them or is winning them.

Because to be honest, if he wouldn’t have been the way he was when we were together? If that relationship didn't play out exactly the way it did? 

We, 24-year-old Tiff, wouldn’t be in the place we are now.

And I’ll tell you what: we love this place.

As for 60 sausages?

This comes to mind...

But yeah…that’s about the guy who broke my heart in January 2005.

We (you and Copperpot) repeatedly prank called him at 3am, saying only, “soixante saucisses” (that’s French for 60 sausages, guys) over and over in weird accents.

And we laughed til we cried. And it was glorious.

A glorious, drunken, healing spectacle that I’m surprised I haven’t ever repeated…


…yet?

Pinterest Responded to My Email - AND MADE A BOARD BASED ON IT!!!

The fine folks at Pinterest are not only fine, but also have an amazing sense of humor (and good taste, obviously) and responded to the email I sent them regarding some couple-centric Valentine's Day pin ideas:

These guys are great. Now THIS is love, right?! 

Here is a link to the board they shared for your own enjoyment (it's based on everything in my email!): http://www.pinterest.com/charlotte/community-team-valentine-suggestions/

Coincidentally, here is a link to the board I recently created (Spinsterest) which also celebrates the single life: http://www.pinterest.com/nodoubter1023/spinsterest/

Thank you again, Pinterest and Arla - it's looking like tomorrow might be my favorite Valentine's Day yet!

All of it. I buy all of it. The week after. At 75% off. 

Singledom, Valentine's Weekend, and an Email from (and to) Pinterest...

Gonna break tradition here and skip out on talking with my 20s today. Instead, I have something else important to talk about.

And it's serious, dammit.

Just kidding!

Gotcha!

It's not serious at all. As a matter of fact, it's more of a joke. Or an annoyance-fueled impulse, really. Whoops.

So what happened? 

Well, this morning I noticed that Pinterest had emailed me its usual, "Here are some pins we think you'd like, Tiff!" email. 

Only this time it was themed for Valentine's Day. 

More specifically, it was themed only for people who have a Valentine.

My sentiments exactly, Chloe...

In all truth, I'm not really upset by this. I actually enjoy what's going on in my life as it is, and although, you know, who wouldn't like to meet Mr. or Miss Right eventually, I'm in no rush. 

But this silly holiday and all of its marketing, it seems to solely focus on romantic love as if it's the only kind of love there is. And I think it isolates the single folk - as if we're not allowed to participate in this upcoming weekend because we're some sort of mutants. 

"... it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales."

It also serves as a constant reminder of our singleton status - and while we might be happy with it or just fine with it or working on it or whatever, it can, unfortunately, still have the slightest sting. 

Much like the way this Chicago winter has been. (Happens every year, and every year, at some point, Chicagoans are OVER IT. This year much sooner than normal, no? #polarvortex)

So this was the message in my inbox from Pinterest:

Why not just cut it off at romantic dinner? 

So during the lack-of-enough-coffee-to-regulate-my-emotions part of the morning, I responded: 

I *might* have been slightly overreacting initially.
And by might I mean definitely was.  Oops.

Of course, we all know that marketing emails are sent out by bots.

Ugh…fine.

I felt like I needed to be heard. So I took myself to the Help Center and put in a ticket request. In addition to filling out information about the nature of my issue ("Something Seems to Be Broken - Other"), my username, a screenshot of their email and my initial response, and some other bits and pieces of info, I wrote Pinterest the following letter:

Title: I know it's that time of year...


...and I'm not angry, but...

I really don't want Valentine's "couples" nonsense shoved in my currently, very single face.

I realize this was just a mass marketing email meant to celebrate an upcoming holiday...but look, not everyone has a Valentine. And trust me, I'm reminded of my singleness every day when I see all of my engaged friends' boards. (Happy for them, truly! But still...)

Normally I like your pin suggestions. I have found some ri-dic-u-lous smoothie recipes that have CHANGED MY LIFE AND MY APPRECIATION FOR BLENDING VEGETABLES WITH FRUITS. (Who knew?!)

But wouldn't it be wiser (and more considerate, perhaps) to send a message that encompasses the idea of love and this holiday that's not just romance-centric?

One that includes the population of your users who are not celebrating Valentine's Day in a traditional sense?

Or maybe just, you know, RECOGNIZES US A LITTLE?

If it's the holiday of love, perhaps it's about more than sweethearts and breakfast in bed...which, if we're talking about that situation at my apartment, would consist of cold, leftover pizza (because one person can't finish the whole thing*) while my cat sleeps on my head and reruns of Frasier play on Netflix in the background.

(Of course. OF COURSE I’m also a "stereotypical single cat lady" because I'm past 30, single, and I own one very old cat. And I watch Frasier. Okay---that one I take full responsibility for in regard to my stereotype. I am doing myself no favors in that respect, I'm well aware. But it's pretty good comedy in terms of the writing, let's be honest. I'm sorry, I'm digressing.)

I know I sound incredibly bitter, and maybe it's because Chicago has suddenly become a frozen, nearly unlivable tundra in which it seems all hopes for spring (or even temperatures over 10 degrees) have frozen and shattered into a million sad and sparkly pieces. (It's okay, I use them as ice in my endless post-work margaritas. As a matter of fact, I got my favorite margarita recipe from a pin. And it is delicious.)

What I’m saying is, what about us? Your loyal Pinners who aren’t paired up with sweethearts to cook meals made for two for?

Where are the additional Pin suggestions for the person who will be spending the weekend with her other single friends?

• The pin that suggests the best places to live it up and celebrate the love that friendship and shaking your booty with your besties brings? 

• Or maybe a recipe for a pint of homemade ice cream I can make while eating my feelings and watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in my favorite pajama set? (It has owls on it and I love it.) 

• The crochet pattern for a new sweater for my cat? (She really does love sweaters.) 

• The fashion ideas for the speed dating event I’ll surely attend in my desperation? (JUST KIDDING. I’m not THAT desperate.) 

• Or the pin detailing just where I can go out and find the best deals on all the leftover candy in the days following Valentine’s Day? 

The pins that say, “Hey single folks, here are ways YOU can turn Valentine’s Day into a celebration too!”

And even though I know I sound like a pitiful, bitter, single lady – the truth is, I’m not really unhappy.

This is just where I am in my life and that’s totally cool. To be honest, it gives me more time to try out all the arts and crafts pins I find anyways.

I guess what I’m saying, Pinterest, is that I adore you. And normally I love the emails you send me containing some pretty great suggestions.

But this time around, it just kind of felt like you were borderline rubbing it in my face that on this upcoming holiday lovefest, I won’t be making or waking up to breakfast in bed—or a hot, half-naked sweetheart.

Instead, I’ll be waking up to my cat (who arguably looks like she’s already been taxidermied because of her old age), and Frasier reruns (I can’t help it), and --- if I’m lucky, leftover pizza (maybe it’ll even be heart-shaped).

And of course I know there’s nothing wrong with that, but you know, as happy as I am with life in general, there’s still a teeny, tiny sting this time of year.

Like when you break your arm on the last day of school before summer vacation and although you still manage to have a good time (because hey, it’s effing summer and you don’t really have a care in the world), you just can’t help but get slightly jealous of your friends who get to use the beach for more than just its sand. You know what I mean?

And I just needed to say that. Because that’s what love is all about, isn’t it? Speaking up and saying what needs to be said in order to work through and build the relationship?

Yeah. I really feel like this little talk has made us stronger, Pinterest. Thanks for listening.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


Love,
Tiff


*I’m a dirty liar. I can totally eat an entire pizza by myself.

So there you have it.

In a weird, lack-of-coffee, random Tuesday psuedo-rage, I emailed Pinterest about a unimportant marketing email.

While also spilling all the gory details of my love life.
Yep.

I don't know what fueled any of this, really. I guess I just thought it would be an interesting experiment. To respond to something that sparked an opinion in me. And it's not really important if anyone at Pinterest actually reads it (although I did send it to 3 separate departments before finally landing on the one that could possibly lead to actual humans).

And yeah, it's kind of silly, and a teensy bit passive-y aggressive-y (old habits die hard). Especially since, for the most part I am the happiest I've probably ever been with my life and everything in it -- and not in it right now. 

I just know that this time of year can sometimes be really hard for people. And had it been another time in my life, I might have opened that email and just hated the entire rest of my day. 

And no one should hate the rest of their day.

Granted, that's not Pinterest's fault. Pinterest is pretty great. And I know they meant no malice. It was just the first romance-sugary-couple-themed Valentine marketing email I happened to open this year.

Pinterest, I love you. I really, really do.

In any case, however you find yourself this weekend, I wish you a very Happy Valentine's Weekend, single, taken or otherwise. :) 

UPDATE!

Pinterest responded to the email and created a board for me based on the entire thing! Check out my post here: http://funnylikeadonkey.blogspot.com/2014/02/pinterest-responded-to-my-email.html

Also, here's the board -- it's the best valentine EVER: http://www.pinterest.com/charlotte/community-team-valentine-suggestions/